


Two Turds

by MyrJuhl



Category: Alexander (2004) RPF
Genre: Adult Content, M/M, Massage, Swearing, light kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5137364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyrJuhl/pseuds/MyrJuhl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The conditions under which the actors were prepped for boot camp before filming 'Alexander The Great' were miserable. Director Oliver Stone made sure the actors were in no doubt that back then in the age of antiquity, even the king had latrine duty... </p><p>(Probably never happened. I just made that up... ;) </p><p>Nevertheless, according to Colin, there is a bit of sunshine in between the misery, hurt, and hunger and he's called Jared Leto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Turds

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** These events never happened. This fic is for entertainment purposes only, not profit. I, the author, make no claim through this work as to the fictitious characters/ actual lives/ preferences/ activities of the people mentioned herein.  
>  Timeline: 2003  
> Beta: Alex Cat *hugs*  
> A/N: Some bits are inspired from ‘Empire Magazine’ with ‘Alexander’ reviews and actors’ interviews.

*

“WAKE UP TURDS!!!!”

“Fuck off,” Jared mumbled. 

“And especially you, princess,” a voice sneered in his ear making him jerk.

Laughing as he left, the drill sergeant Dale Dye that Stone had hired barked, “Five minutes everyone.”

Jared moaned and stretched. He hated this boot camp. He hated Dye and he hated his chores. Dye had appointed Jared and Colin to be the ONLY ones to fix chow for everybody while the boot camp was on. Therefore, they were awoken before sunup to do this tiresome chore.

Colin came and sat on his bunk. Slowly, Jared rose on one arm. Looking at each other, they said nothing. They were fucking tired and it never seemed to cease.

Gathering his hair in a loose braid, as Jared never bothered to comb his hair, it would stay that way for hours. Disgusted he began to prepare the chow. He had to be brave today. There were maggots everywhere and no new supplies.

“Oliver? I HATE YOU!” Jared yelled at the director who lived next door. 

A grumpy reply came back immediately as it did every other day, “Yeah, but you don’t mind...” 

“...the fucking pay cheque...” Finishing the line for him, Jared didn’t bother the man with details such as he was deliriously happy after a bloody great gig when he and the boys counted a profit of approximately $20 for each. So... _No, Oliver, I don’t give a fuck about the fucking pay cheque._

Gary Stretch came to him in the mess, having Jonathan Rhys-Meyer’s neck ‘glued’ to his elbow joint. They looked extremely amused.

“Don’t bother, guys. I hate your asses, too,” Jared said.

“Fuck, I love this,” the pretty Irishman said to Gary, once released from his grip.

“When you talk so dirty, Jared, I can’t tell you and Colin apart!” Gary laughed and Jared couldn’t keep a straight face but smiled as well.

“Fuck off,” he said quietly, although the sting had been taken off his bad mood.

When the coast was clear, Colin came to him. “Need any help?”

“Yeah, but you know what happens if you’re caught helping. I go down, too,” Jared answered. Then he snarled at the food and a new tirade escaped his lips.

Colin was impressed. Jared was just as brilliant at cussing as he was. He’d somehow forgotten that from when they met at the ‘Phone Booth’ filming in 2001. They hadn’t seen each other since until one and a half weeks ago. The first thing he said to Leto was, “So. You were with Britney, too?” to which the American answered, “Hello to you, too, Colin.”

“Did you fuck her?”

Jared’s eyebrows had frowned but then he said, “If she was a virgin with Timberlake, she wasn’t with me. I told her we had to do it for a whole week or it wouldn't have any effect at all.”

Colin had laughed. "And she bought it?" 

Jared just stared at him and in the end, he laughed, too.

The next morning the shocking news fell about the duties put on the actors. The chow chores that were to become Colin and Jared’s alone. The others got latrine, dishes and other ‘easy’ crap stuff, but chow at 5.30 EVERY other fucking morning? Jared was floating when it wasn’t his turn. He didn’t offer Colin help... ever... why Colin then insisted offering him his puzzled him at first. However, everybody came around at some point. Jared guessed it was to enjoy his misery. Though Jared loved to cook, this was pure torture. The enormous amount of food, blended, the colour so in shades not related to human food... “Fucking... fuck, fuck...” Jared mumbled.

Later, when the chow had been eaten, the boot camp became alive for daily training. Bending forward, Jared lay flush against his horse. He had known the creature about a week now and already felt him a good friend. He enjoyed the wild rides already and was good at it, but he sat on the beast most of the day and his buttocks were seriously hurting by now. Asking if Colin hurt, too, the Irishman’s answer was negative. Apparently, he’d adjusted better to bareback horse riding than Jared had.

“Nice view!” Colin teased riding closer from behind. He had a soft spot for the fetching American. It was impossible not to when he was prettier than Spears.

“Fuck off,” the reply came prompt. 

Colin smiled. “Give?”

Jared turned and Colin let his horse trot closer while he stroked its broad throat.

“All right... My ass hurts, I can hardly sit, and now we’re to ride fucking slow today, I’ll get so many bumps... I’ll be toast before the end of the day.” 

“I’ll arrange for a rub down afterwards...” Colin suggested.

Jared’s body straightened. “Don’t fuck...”

“I meant it, Jared,” Colin said and smiled.

Jared’s eyes narrowed. “Ookay,” he drawled still not entirely convinced. “But chow’s yours tomorrow anyway.”

“Can’t change that, I know.”

Jared bent to lie down again and closed his eyes, relishing the few moments he had left before torture was unleashed on his poor backside.

*

When Oliver finally called the last ‘Cut’ of the day, Colin and Jared went to be washed in the common hole in the ground only covered with a canvas cloth. As everything about the boot camp, it was disgusting but they managed to get as clean as humanly possible. Afterwards, they went to Jared’s tent and there Jared took off his towel and positioned himself on his cot.

Smiling, Colin regarded one of the sweetest yet intense actors he had met in a while. Jared was so different and Colin liked different, especially when it stayed that way and didn’t become predictable. He didn’t label Jared, had he become predictable in any way, it would have been easier to figure him out, but Jared wasn’t easy. 

Colin wasn’t easy either, maybe that’s why he was intrigued and sought his company and friendship. Everybody seemed to want to be near Jared somehow. Jonny, Gary, and Colin himself, of course... just to check what the others wanted that he might miss. However, Jared just stayed friendly.

Closing his eyes, Jared waited patiently for Colin to make up his mind.

“Any day soon?” he finally asked and looked back a few seconds. Colin seemed some place else and smiled unexpectantly shyly.

“Um... perhaps I should use some lotion?”

Nodding, Jared went to go through his stuff. “I don’t seem to have any...” he said.

“I’ll get some... from somewhere...” Colin said and went to the door.

“Um... Cols - never mind...” Jared said, but in truth, he had looked forward to it and he sincerely was in pain.

“No, I’ll get back to you. Don’t fall asleep on me.” And then he was gone.

Jared stood back and stared at the door. Shuddering suddenly in his nakedness he went back to bed and sought warmth under the light sheet.

Returning to lay on his stomach, it only then hit him how strange a proposition it really was; Colin nonchalantly offering a butt massage to a bloke. However, Jared had been in pain as he was now, and that had overshadowed the physical act itself. After a few minutes of almost regretting, he found his Zen again and relaxed.

Now Colin was a guy, yeah, a friend, and besides, it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to share this experience, intimate in nature like the bond of friendship existing between Alexander and Hephaestion. Jared stared into the darkness that slowly crept into his room, this tent. Why was Colin taking so long? Maybe he’d realised the oddness of the offer as well and backed out, but at least he could have said so.

“Fuck!” he said aloud.

“Referring to me?” a voice answered, quietly closing the tent flap after him. 

Jared closed his eyes again. “Yeah - you. But now you’re here so...”

“Yeah, I’m back,” Colin, said.

*

Colin had finally found some lotion, or rather nicked it from someone’s bag. Relieved to come back and find Jared hadn’t fallen asleep yet after all the trouble he had finding the high priced item. In the boot camp, it suddenly changed the value of things and what was of no importance in the modern world could suddenly make the difference out here in the middle of fucking nowhere... like lotion.

Colin grinned cheekily. The bottle was more than half full...or was that half empty? Stupid old saying... however, Colin had to admit, he liked the idea of it half full. A shame it was only a butt job, but perhaps Jared wouldn’t mind the grand tour. Going to the bunk, Colin climbed into it and gently lowered the sheet to reveal Jared’s ripped body.

Then he sat mid thigh on top of the older man and squeezed a dollop into his palms. He knew he should warm it up, but then most of it would be absorbed into his hands and he’d have to do it again too soon. 

He put his hands on the small of Jared’s back. Looking at the curves of soft fleshy mounds continuing in a fantastic view of back and spine, he smiled. Jared was gorgeous all over, but Colin had to be professional about this, and not grope him just because he had a nice arse.

Slowly, his hands sought lower to finally cup the left goose bump covered cheek with both hands. He had to close his eyes, because out of nowhere, erotic images filled his mind. Latent images of what he wanted to do to Jared’s skin with his hands, mouth, and apparently cock. Colin was never one to leave his cock out of the equation.

Kneading the one cheek to get the lactic acid, which was causing the pain, to dissolve, Colin looked at Jared’s turned face, visibly wincing.

“Hurts?”

“Fucker,” Jared answered with a purr nevertheless.

Being a former dancer and enthusiastically working out - sometimes - Colin knew all about lactic acid and judging from Jared’s fine toned muscular body, he should too. However, the butt was a difficult body part to stretch out and the built-up acid had escalated over a few days.

In between kneading the butt, Colin let his right hand run over Jared’s back. He hoped it would soothe the pain. Thereafter, he put his attention on the other cheek and a soft cry escaped Jared’s lips.

“Oh, my fucking God, it hurts.”

Stunned, Colin stopped. Was Jared actually crying? Massaging gentler, he saw the frown disappear from the visible side of Jared’s face. Testing, he put his hands on both arse cheeks and began caressing... with a slight pressure... but caresses just the same.

Jared reacted by letting out a little relieved sigh.

“Always tell me if it’s too rough or you’ll tense up and it will make no difference, or rather it will make it worse - trying to massage an unrelaxed muscle.”

“I got it the first time, Colin...” Jared said. “And this is my first massage... ever.”

Colin lifted his eyebrows. “You’re kidding, right”?

“No - Why would I bother tell you if I was?”

Colin smiled. “All right, relax and enjoy the ride then.” He added lotion and moved to sit below the cheeks. He bent over and gently began working on the mid back section, moving higher to finally get to tense spots in the shoulder area, stopping each time he saw the slightest lift indicating unpleasantness.

In the end, Jared was putty in his hands and then he moved backwards to end at the butt again.

“What about your front?” he asked.

Jared hesitated and then said, “I’ve got a boner.”

“Really?”

“Yeah - I fell asleep, dreamed something nice, and it’s still there.”

Smiling at Jared’s hesitance, Colin said, “I don’t really care... turn around.” 

It was actually a command, but Jared complied slowly and Colin saw that the American indeed had a hard on.

Watching him carefully, Jared saw through him. “You lied. You do care or you wouldn’t have asked.” 

Smiling at his wits, Colin said, “I guess I wanted to see your cock again.”

“You see me wash every day,” Jared gave back.

“Not enough and besides, I can’t really just stand there staring at you. Gets awkward, creepy.”

“Everybody else stares at everyone,” Jared stated.

“Not me,” Colin said. His eyes never stared at Jared’s cock long enough or he would be the one with a boner.

“What now?” Jared asked and Colin bade him to bend his knees to rest his feet on the bed. 

“I’ll tend to your calves.”

“Yeah,” Jared said, doing as he was asked. He closed his eyes but still felt Colin’s eyes on his cock. Patiently, he waited for the leg massage but nothing happened so far. Then he felt Colin’s hands on his knees and wondering what went on he opened his eyes. Suddenly, he realised what Colin had in mind and their eyes locked.

“Can I?” Colin asked only looking away from Jared’s eyes to point out the erection in front of them.

Jared’s breath skipped and he debated furiously with himself.

 _A blowjob? Love those... from Colin?_ No answer. _From Colin?_ Closing his eyes, he understood it was a bit over his head and said stiffly, “I don’t know... maybe.” However, his body felt wonderfully relaxed when he watched Colin kneel and press his knees apart. Then the Irishman bent and slid his hands up Jared’s inner thighs to finally cup his balls and in that exact moment, Colin let his mouth sink over Jared’s cock.

Closing his eyes, Jared let a moan float from his parted lips. It had been a while since he last had one of those - a blowjob - and he tried to open his eyes to focus on Colin’s mouth, but it was impossible; it felt too good. He grabbed Colin’s hair; the dyed blond curls so strangely adorning his face.

Colin took him deeper into his throat.

“Fuck, Colin, you’re deep throating me!” Jared said, his voice high with alarm, as he still watched his cock disappear. The feeling was maddening, the pressure and wetness and the visual... The look of Colin doing this, clearly with experience under his belt, had Jared growing larger still. His rapture built up much too fast and he cried, “Oh... oh, I...” Jared lolled his head to either side on the mattress. “I’m fucking coming,” he burst out, thrusting his crotch minimally because he couldn’t just lie there inactively. Shooting his load down Colin’s throat, he panted loudly... very loudly. He then realised he was probably even shouting his release as he still heard his own voice. Shortly later, Colin let go of his cock.

Smiling at the flushed beauty, Colin draped himself over him.

“Any good? Want a refund?”

A bit dizzy, Jared replied with a husky voice, “No - I’m fine.”

“All right.” Colin usually did the whole petting charade to get laid for sure, but tonight, with Jared, he found himself satisfied beyond his usual pattern and he was okay with that.

Snuggling close to Jared’s lemon lotion scented body, Colin tried not to think about having to get up 5.30 tomorrow to fix chow. Colin wouldn’t start speculating if this could develop into more. Jared was straight, there was no doubt about it. So was Colin usually - except when he felt like having sex with other guys, but he knew what he liked and Jared was totally his type. Giving head had been a pleasure. He could only assume that all camp had heard Jared’s passionate release. Fuck, tomorrow would be pure agony when the others ‘came by’ to inspect what that was all about and especially who had caused it...

*

As the morning arrived, Colin dragged himself to the mess. Once there, he stood sleepily trying to make his body wake up as well. Suddenly, he felt a hand on his back and surprised, he spun around.

“Need any help?” Jared asked softly.

 

End of tale 6th of February 2005


End file.
